Visiting Mother on her Death Anniversary

Dear Ma,

It’s been 8 long years without you, No matter how much I try, I know you still won’t come back. I still remember the day you left, I didn’t know how to react.

You died on a Friday evening, we had you placed under a tree in that graveyard. I still remember you saying “Dying is part of life."

I miss you. I wish you were here. I can tell you a mom is irreplaceable for a child. When a mom dies, her child is no longer whole. The loss makes it hard to breathe. That child flails in the wind like a cottonwood seed. A piece of fluff that gets knocked about the world by the wind. Sometimes I landed on solid ground, sometimes I landed in a pond and almost drowned. But I’m still here. I survived.

In the year after your death my dreams plagued me whether they were about your death or when they fooled me into thinking you were still alive. The waking up and again remembering you were dead was the hardest point of each day.

I searched for many things to fill myself up. Many were bad things, but some were good. I had good friends who helped and distracted me. I had the rest of my family too who gave me love. I had pets and cats to console me and give me company. Pets you had loved too. The cats looked for you, I saw them searching, but they could never find you. I understood their sadness and confusion.

I could never forget you. A part of me is still lost and I’m wondering if I will ever get it back. Maybe that piece is in heaven with you and someday you can put it back in me and I will be whole again.

I miss the foods you made. No one can make food the way you made it Mom. You gave food to me with love and your smile. It can’t be replicated. It’s impossible, no one else has your smile.

On your 8^th anniversary I pray that God blesses you every day for the rest of your life, that He will strengthen you and give you peace. May His goodness and mercy follow you wherever you go.

I love you.

With lots of hugs and kisses.

Shanu & Neetu